And That Is How I Lost My Clothes
by Tuzilla
Summary: How did Luna lose her clothes? Other than her, only Neville will ever know.
1. Chapter 1

**Chapter 1**

Luna left The Burrow following the group's decision on the fate of the books they had found. She hummed to herself, skipping across the yard, pointing herself in the direction of her home up and over the far hill.

Luna was always a carefree, kind, optimistic soul. She could seem naïve and innocent, and then wise and knowing in the course of two sentences. She would seamlessly move from logical, clear thought to the weird purveyor of knowledge about nargles, rackspurts and other mythical creatures without any regard to the looks she received from others around her.

In another time and world, she could have been a hippie girl of the 1960s dressed into tie-dyed clothes with her abundance of hair running freer than it currently did. She would call herself Moonflower or Rainbow and live in a commune and ride about in a VW microbus with a psychedelic paint job and about a hundred bumper stickers.

Moving up the hill, she cast her patronus to watch it frolic as she walked. The ethereal rabbit darted and run through the grass and flowers. There were no dementors, lethifolds or other demons for it to repel. This was purely playtime in the twilight as the sun faded and the stars began to appear.

As they neared a wet area between hills there was some movement near a small copse of alders. What appeared to be a hare running on its rear legs appeared in view. Luna's patronus ran toward it to investigate.

Her patronus did not sense a threat and began running about, almost trying to instigate a playful encounter with the stranger. Luna watched it, amused by what seemed an innocent interlude.

The two ran and played for several moments. Then the hare seemed to lead the patronus into the trees. Luna, not used to her patronus straying this far, started toward the trees to see what was happening.

As she poked her head into the thicket, she saw the two of them standing by a hole in the ground. The hare held out its forearm in Luna's direction as her patronus watched. Luna stepped forward, sensing things were okay because her patronus was not finding need to defend her.

"Who are you?" asked the hare, causing Luna to recoil a bit, having never met a talking hare.

"I—I am—Luna, sir. Luna Lovegood," she managed to get out.

"Pleased to meet you, Luna. I am Sousa the March Hare. But as this is not March, I am quite sane, now," he said with a laugh that did not sound like he was as sane as he claimed.

The hare took her hand and before she could react, he jumped into the hole, pulling her with him. Her wand fell from her hand as she disappeared into the void. Her patronus followed them, which seemed odd having dropped her wand, as the tumbled into the darkness for several moments. When they finally came to rest, they were surrounded by strange, colorful plants, the likes of which she had never seen. Her patronus seemed to have finally dissipated in the chaos.

"What a strange looking place," she said aloud. "It's beautiful."

"That's what I think about your world," replied the hare in an almost comical voice. "I much prefer it here."

"You can speak, sir," said Luna in a remarkably calm voice. "I've never met a talking hare." Anyone else would probably be shocked to the point of not being able to speak. But Luna, being who she is, took it all in stride.

"Where is here?" she asked.

"Where is here?" chortled the hare. "Why here is here. Where else would here be but here? Here is always here."

"Well, that makes sense, I guess," she replied. "I should have known that, sir."

The hare began walking through the bright purple ferns and red and yellow leaves. Rain started falling as they moved onward. Before long, they were standing amidst mushrooms and toadstools tall enough for them to stand under out of the rain.

"These are most useful," noted Luna. "They are like living umbrellas."

"Of course," said the hare, shaking the wet off his fur.

The rain running down the leaves made a sound like stringed instruments. The small leaves were the violins. The larger leaves were violas and cellos. The biggest ones were basses. The raindrops that hit the mushrooms made a sound similar to someone playing the drums. The toadstools sounded like cymbals.

Strange noises, almost like someone trying to sing the croaking of frogs, were creating a chorus behind the symphony.

"This is the most beautiful rain I have ever heard," said Luna. "Where are the singers? I hear singers."

"That's the moon frogs, of course. They are up there," answered the hare matter-of-factly as he stepped out from under the mushroom and pointed upward.

Luna stepped out, looking up into the rain. There, on top of the mushrooms were strange creatures that looked like someone had put frogs, kangaroos and something along the line of crabs in a bag, shook it up, and came up with these. Then they took buckets of every color that was yet to be created and poured it over them.

"They're lovely," lilted Luna. "And I love their singing. I had heard of them. But I had never seen one. I wish I could take one home with me."

They listened to the rhythmic symphony of the falling rain until it ended. The hare took Luna's hand and stepped out from under their shelter. He led her up the path through the incredible foliage. Overhead, some creatures that looked multicolored, overinflated birds with tiny wings were floating by. Their voices were like a bunch of people who did not know the words to a song trying to cover up by humming.

"Those are dabberblimps," laughed the hare in a demented voice. "Someday they will figure out the words to that song and we'll need to give them a new name."

"I heard they are dangerous," said Luna.

The hare broke down laughing at the notion of them being a threat. "The only thing you have to worry about with them is having one poop on your head."

"Oh my," said Luna. "Then my father was all wrong. He always said we should be scared of them."

The hare laughed and laughed as they walked. "Who'd ever be scared of them?" he snorted. "Now an Umgubular Slashkilter. There's something to be scared of. Twelve tentacle arms and sixteen eyes. Nasty temper. Knifelike fingers that can cut you to pieces in a second. You don't want to meet one of them now. Do you?

"Certainly not, sir. They sound most frightening," agreed Luna.

They continued walking through trees with multi-colored leaves as big as Hagrid's coat. The trumpet-shaped flowers honked every time an insect that looked like a bee flew into it.

"Where are we going, sir," asked Luna.

"There, of course," answered the hare.

"There?"

"Yes, there. We are here, so we must be going there. Where else would we go?"

"Of course," replied Luna. "I should have known."

Their course continued through lush fields and passed flowing streams. They had just entered a wooded area when a strange, smoky aroma filled her nose. As they rounded a bend in the path, they walked up on a small, caterpillar-like creature puffing on a water pipe and blowing progressions of smoke rings that were linking themselves together in an ever-growing chain.

The hare bowed in a show of respect to this strange, green being. "Greeting wise worm," he said.

The caterpillar paused his exhaling of smoke rings, ""Cater…pillar, Mr. Rabbit."

"Hare," replied the hare in response to the slight sent back his way by the caterpillar. Luna immediately sensed a tension between the two of them.

"So…Mister—uh—Hare…who is this…that travels…with you?" continued the caterpillar in a cadence that reminded Luna of Severus Snape.

"Luna. Luna from the world above."

"Are you the real Luna?" he inquired, looking at her. "I rather doubt it."

I don't know, sir," replied Luna in her customary, polite manner. "I am Luna…Luna Lovegood. I do not know if I am the 'real' Luna."

"Well then…" said the caterpillar as he paused to inhale from his pipe. "Who…" he continued by exhaling a R and a U and a ? as he looked at her.

"I told you. I am Luna Lovegood."

"Yes…" he replied. "But I do not believe you are…the real Luna. Not…hardly."

"I am sorry if I am not the real Luna, sir. I can only be who I am."

"Ob…viously. And that is what I want to know. Come back when you know who…" he exhaled a smoky U and R.

Luna started to respond, but he blew a large cloud of smoke into her face causing her to cough. When she finally caught her breath, all she saw was the caterpillar, who had turned into a butterfly, taking flight and disappearing.

"He is not very nice," said Luna to the hare.

He is very wise, but he is often quite rude. Perhaps we can find better counsel at a tea party."

"Whatever you say, sir."

They walked through the bizarre world as Luna enjoyed the beauty of the place with its colorful foliage and strange insects and animals. She was amused by what appeared to be two little, fat boys playing in a pond. They were tossing a pale creature that resembled a human brain back and forth while talking much in the way Fred and George trash talked each other.

Luna was certain the creature was an aquavirius maggot. Her father had told her about them years ago. Up ahead, she could hear noises much like one might expect from a party. As they emerged from the forest into a clearing she saw a large, long table covered with dishes, silverware, teapots and teacups.

At the head of the table was a man in a brightly-colored suit and exceptionally tall top hat. Seated along the sides of the table was a cat with glowing turquoise eyes and a big smile. Across from him a dormouse wearing a pink coat, a purple vest, white shirt and bowtie. Her patronus was seated their as well. Tea, cups and other items were splashing and flying about in the chaos. They were all drinking tea and carrying on quite crazily.

"My," said Luna to the hare. "They look like they are having quite a bit of fun."

"What else would you do at a tea party?" laughed the hare at the Hatter's party, as if everything occurring was quite normal and natural.

"AH! Sousa! Luna!" exclaimed the Hatter, standing up and looking at her. "You're late. Where have you been? Cheshire saw you headed this way a while ago. We've been expecting you."

"That's not Luna," said the dormouse, looking directly at her. "At least not the real Luna."

"Why of course it is," responded the Hatter. "I'd recognize her anywhere. Come. Sit down. Have a cup of tea."

The hare led her to the table and seated her beside her patronus. He poured her a cup of tea. Then he poured one for himself in a cup with no bottom. He added some cream and sugar to his cup, and then looked very confused as he picked it up to take a sip and found it empty.

"What brings you here, Luna?" asked the Hatter, smiling a most silly and superfluous smile while gazing at her with his large, dizzying eyes.

'The hare, of course," answered Luna.

"I told you she is the real Luna," stated the Hatter, pouring tea in his hat and taking a drink from it.

"She is not the real Luna," interjected the dormouse as he threw a saucer at Luna. Her patronus deflected it away.

"Nonsense," rebuffed the Hatter as he continued drinking from his hat. "I have never seen anyone who was more of a real Luna than her.

The domouse frowned and crossed its tiny arms as it dodged a flying teacup aimed at it by the hare. The Cheshire cat evaporated except for its eyes and smile, wishing to avoid involvement in this debate.

Where are you going, Luna?"

"I am trying to find my way home, sir," she answered.

"Home?" said the hatter in an inquiring voice. A teacup whizzed over his head, to which he responded by throwing a flamingo that had been standing nearby at the hare. "Where is home?"

"Up there," she answered, pointing upward. "In the world above this world."

"AH! Now we are getting somewhere?" stated the Hatter as he threw a sugar bowl at nearby hedgehog causing it to curl into a ball and roll away through the legs of the flamingo that was walking back toward the table. "You are here, but you want to be there."

"Yes, sir," said Luna.

"I supposed you have already discussed this with the caterpillar."

Yes, but he was not much help, and he was quite rude."

"Damn that infernal worm," cursed the Hatter, throwing a cup he had just caught back at the hare. "He acts like the wisest being in the world, but he is never any help."

"Can you help me get home, Mister Hatter?"

"Perhaps," he grinned," if you can answer a riddle that has been bothering me for years."

"I will try, sir," she answered.

"Very well, then. Why is a raven like a writing desk?"

"Excuse me," said Luna with a puzzled expression, wondering if she had heard him correctly."

"Why is a raven like a writing desk?" he repeated. "I have never been able to figure that one out."

"Well," the activity at the table came to a halt as they all looked at her. "It can both produce notes, even though they are flat. And it is never put with the wrong end in front. Is that it?"

No one moved. No one had ever offered an answer to that question in the past, not even a wrong one. There was a silence that might have been a first for this place in a very long time. All eyes were now on the Hatter.

He stood, deathly still for several moments. Then his face lit up with a bigger smile than one might consider possible. "Of course" he exclaimed. "It is so simple. I cannot imagine how I did not see it."

Wonderful," smiled Luna, pleased with herself. "Now, sir, if it is not too much trouble, which way must I travel to get back home."

"You already traveled this way to get here. You must go that way to get back," he replied without pointing or offering to take her.

And which way is that way," she inquired. All four of them seated at the table pointed in different directions.

"I told you she is not the real Luna," said the dormouse. "The real Luna would know that way from this way."

"Nonsense, naysayer," the Hatter, standing back up and taking Luna's hand.

Luna stood up, ready to go. The Hatter recited 'The Mushroom Poem', he called it as led her to the other end of the table.

 _If you choose to eat white_

 _You will soon feel alright_

 _But if you eat from red_

 _You will very soon be dead_

 _The eating of the green_

 _Will treat your tummy mean_

 _You'll need to eat yellow_

 _To make it feel mellow_

 _If you dare to eat the gray_

 _Then your mind goes astray_

 _You will need to eat brown_

 _To bring you back aroun'_

 _If you ate from a blue_

 _Then much bigger you grew_

 _When you find need to shrink_

 _You will need to eat pink_

Once he finished his poem, he said," "There, just keep going in that direction. It will take you right to there. Can't miss it."

Luna accepted this was going to be the extent of the help she was going to receive from the participants at the tea party. She walked into the colorful background until she could no longer hear the chaos of the strange group.


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter 2**

The sounds of this world were strangely beautiful, as were the trees and plants, flying insects and animals. If not for being lost and wanting to find her way home, Luna would be totally immersed in its splendor.

As she continued walking, now all by herself. She passed through many lush fields of colorful flowers and plants, through mushrooms as tall as small trees and through strange and unusual forests. She saw many more creatures, most of which she had never heard of and did not recognize from any of her father's articles and descriptions.

She started feeling hungry after a bit. Remembering the poem, she broke off a piece of a white mushroom, shunning the nearby red one, and tasted it. It was quite delicious. She ate several pieces. By the time she was finished, she felt strangely rejuvenated.

One small group of gnome-like creatures looked very similar to a pair of her favorite earrings. She was certain they were blibbering humdingers, but she could not get close enough to them to be positive. Each time she approached them, they ran off making a noise that one might best describe as blibbering…leading to her feeling even more certain of their identity.

The path led her to a stream that was emptying into a small lake just up ahead. As she walked alongside the muddy bank of the stream she saw some movement in the grass. Bending down she found a nest of mousey, impish creatures she believed to be Weetimorousbeasties due to their resemblance to the description of them in Gilderoy Lockhart's book _Marauding with Monsters_.

" _How cute_ ," she thought, bending down for a closer look. This caused the little creatures to panic and to begin screaming. They threw mud, pebbles and anything else they could get their hands on in defense of their home. Luna fled as they chased her, finally escaping near the shore of the pond. She was covered with stinky mud from head to foot.

" _My. They were not happy with me seeing them_ ," she thought. " _Perhaps I scared them. I suppose I must have appeared to be a giant monster_."

She looked around at her surroundings. It was a beautiful spot. The water in the lake was clear and still. After a moment of thought, she decided she needed to clean her clothes and herself.

Piece by piece, she took off her clothes and cleansed them in the clear waters of the lake. Then she hung them in the bushes to dry while she prepared to bathe herself.

The last thing she did was take off her butterbeer cork necklace. She carefully placed it on a large rock so she would not lose it.

The water was just the right temperature as she waded into it. It felt soothing and comfortable. She got all of the way in, swimming about to rinse the mud from her body and hair. "This is kind of exciting," she thought. She had heard about skinny dipping from some of the other girls. But she had never partaken of it up until now. It felt strangely stimulating.

After several minutes of carefree frolicking in the water, she decided she was clean enough and should get dressed and continue onward to 'there'. Suddenly, she felt a tickling, teasing feeling on her breasts. She looked down to see a pair of small, round, fish-like creatures with long, skinny legs nibbling on her nipples. It was startling, but strangely pleasurable. " _Those must be gulping plimpies_ ," she thought as she innocently watched her nipples harden and shrink up in response to the nibbling. " _They're harmless according to dad_."

Many people call Luna eccentric, odd, strange, even loony, but on the other hand, she has always been a very virtuous young lady. She has never shared more than a few furtive kisses with boys, and she has never found the need to self-satisfy herself sexually. But she was not immune to the feelings of physical excitement, just ignorant.

She watched the two of them for a moment, enjoying this strange, exciting feeling. The word erotic was not part of her thinking. Soon there were more nibbling, teasing on her toes, the back of her knees, her fingertips, her buttocks and even her belly button. Suddenly, she felt a strange feeling between her legs. One of them was pressing into her most private spot. Already being a bit stimulated by the actions of the others, she allowed it to continue instead of chasing it away. She quickly found a strange, new pleasure from this new feeling.

In no time her pulse was quickening. Her heart was beating harder and harder as the little creature found her most sensitive spot. Her breathing became stronger and a bit ragged. It was accented with almost painful moans. As her mind got foggy, it drifted away as she fell lost into the sensations. Seconds later her body clenched and convulsed as she began trembling quite violently. With a couple of loud gasps she nearly toppled over.

This scared the creatures away. After a moment had passed, she shook her head, trying to regain her composures.

" _Oh my goodness_. _That was very—uh—interesting—uh—unexpected_ ," she thought, feeling a warm glow filling her body. " _I have never felt anything like that before_."

It was fortunate she was in the fairly shallow water. If that had happened in the deeper water, who knows what might have happened.

She walked back to the shore and stepped out of the water, squeezing the excess water from her long, thick blond hair. Not having a towel, she used her hands to brush as best she could the remaining water off her arms, legs, body and from the hair between her legs.

" _That was fun_ ," she thought with a smile as she walked toward the bushes where she had hung her clothes. Suddenly, she realized the bushes were empty. Her clothes were gone. The only thing left was her shoes, which were in the process of being carried off by an army of tiny creatures.

She ran at them, causing them to scatter. " _Nargles_ ," she thought. " _I should have hung my necklace on my clothes, instead of placing it_ , [where it was still laying,] _on that stupid rock_."

She looked around for the little thieves for several minutes to no avail. So there she was, totally naked save for her shoes and necklace, feeling a bit hungry, and lost in a strange land. What a predicament.

" _Oh well. At least I have my shoes_ ," she thought in typical Luna fashion. " _I must keep going if I am going to find my way home_."

She strode off in hopes of finding the exit to this land, not certain how she would explain her nakedness to anyone she met. Before long, she felt the need for some more food. Drinking was easy due to the frequent rain showers. She needed to do little more that tip her head back and catch a flow from one of the large leaves.

She could not find any white mushrooms, so she tried some green, not remembering the poem correctly. Within moments her stomach was roiling and boiling in nasty fits. She ran the poem back through her head several times, finally remembering to eat some yellow to alleviate her stomachache. A couple minutes later she was fine, but still hungry.

" _I must stick to eating the white ones. That was most uncomfortable_ ," she admonished herself.

Next she ate a piece from a gray one, mistaking it for a white one. Within seconds she was getting very dizzy. Strange lights and patterns were spiraling around in front of her. She could hear weird, clanging, clattering, stringy music. The participants of the tea party were dancing around the table trying to get her to join them. Then a bathtub of funny, talking gulping plimpies were calling to her. Fortunately for her, she fell face and mouth first into a brown mushroom and her mind started to clear as she fell asleep.

She woke up sometime later, she had no idea how much later, to the feeling of something breathing on her face and licking her. Two big nostrils were in front of her face as she tried to focus her eyes. Fear gripped her as the creature started to pull back. It was a silver unicorn. She felt a wave of relief, knowing unicorns were the most pure and harmless of animals.

"Thank you for waking me," she said to the unicorn, extending her hand to pat its muzzles. The unicorn bowed its heads, accepting some kind, gentle caresses from her hand. "I must get going. I am trying to find my way home."

The unicorn knelt down as if beckoning her to ride it. She looked at it. "Are you offering me a ride?" The unicorn stayed in its position, making it clear that it was.

She climbed onto its back as it stood up. Other than a couple of rides on a thestral, Luna had no experience riding. The coarse, equine hair tickled her naked thighs and nether region. But compared to the bony, more leathery feel of a thestral, the unicorn was very comfortable.

The unicorn began walking in the same direction she had been traveling. She broke a piece off a white mushroom as they passed it. It tasted excellent and refreshing. " _I wonder if he knows where I am going_?" she thought.

As they passed a pond, she briefly saw a large, purplish animal about the size of a cow. It had a funny-looking horn on its snout. " _I wonder if that was a crumple-horn snorkack_? It might have just been an erumpent," she thought. " _I wish my father was here. He would know_."

After a while they came to an area that seemed strangely familiar. The unicorn stopped and knelt down as if expecting her to dismount.

"Do you want me to get off, now?" she asked it.

It stayed in the kneeling position. Luna dismounted and looked around. The place definitely had a familiar feel.

"Is this there?" she said as if expecting the unicorn to speak back to her.

The unicorn stood up and looked upward.

"Is this the way back to my home?"

The unicorn shook its head, then looked up, again. Luna looked up to see if she could figure out what the unicorn was looking at. There in the ceiling of this strange world was a hole. There seemed to be light from above coming through it.

"Is that the hole I fell down when I came here?" she asked.

The unicorn stamped it foot several times.

"But it is so high up and neither of us can fly, and I don't have my wand. How can I get up there?" she said aloud.

The unicorn could not speak, but it seemed to understand everything she said. It walked over to a group of mushrooms and looked at them.

"Of course," she exclaimed. "If you ate from blue, then much bigger you grew.

When you find need to shrink, you will need to eat pink. I need to find a blue one. Thank you, Mister Unicorn."

Looking around, she found a tall, blue mushroom and broke off a piece. She took a bite. A weird sensation filled her as she suddenly started to grow. She got bigger and bigger until her head hit the ceiling just as her sudden growth spurt ceased.

"Incredible," she thought as she looked at herself. "I am huge."

After a moment she realized she was too big to fit into the hole.

"What can I do?"

She gave it some thought and reached down to pick a pink mushroom. Taking a bite, she felt herself beginning to shrink. "Oh! I won't be able to reach the hole if I shrink down small enough."

Just as the hole was starting to get beyond her reach she panicked and grabbed a couple of woody vines just inside it. She held onto them as she returned to her normal size. There she was, like a naked trapeze artist, swinging from the ceiling. She needed to pull herself up into the hole. It would be a long fall back to the ground.

With great effort, she pulled herself up, finding a foothold inside the hole. With the light coming in from above as an inspiration, she began ascending toward what she hoped would be the place from where she had fallen into this world.

She passed all kinds of strange, interesting things as she climbed. There was a sofa, piano, tables, several chairs, toys of all sorts, an old mattress, a refrigerator, more books than even Hermione could read in a very long time. Finally, the actual opening appeared above her. She was breathing hard when she emerged into the sunlight. It felt good on her naked body.

" _Where am I_?" she thought as she surveyed her surroundings. " _This isn't the same spot_."

After a bit of reckoning, she recognized some of the large trees and groups of rocks, realizing she was about three hills away to the west. It appeared to be early in the day. She would need to make her way quietly passed the Weasley's home to avoid the embarrassing situation of being found wandering naked across their property.

As she walked, carefully watching for people who might see her, she wondered if she would be able to find the spot where she had fallen into the world below. " _I hope I can find my wand_ ," she thought. " _I really like my wand_."

She had made it most of the way across the Weasley's property when she came to the backside of their marshy pond. She was starting to feel that confident success was at hand. Then she heard a startled voice say, "L—L—Luna!"

It was Neville Longbottom, his eye nearly popping out of their sockets. It was shocking enough to have someone walk up on him while he was wading about looking for interesting water plants. But having it be Luna, a girl he fancied, literally in the flesh, was truly disconcerting.

"Wh—wh—what are y—you doing here?" he sputtered. Why are you n—naked?"

"Neville!" she responded, making an effort to cover herself. "What are you doing here?"

"I am searching for gillyweed and frogsnare. Ron told me his dad thought he had seen some in here," he replied as he stepped out of the water onto the marshy shore.

"This is most embarrassing," said Luna, her small hands and arms only doing a partial job of covering her. "I was hoping to make it home without meeting anyone."

Neville picked up his robe, which was sitting on his Herbology book, and offered it to her.

"Thank you, Neville," she said re-exposing herself as she took the robe and put in on. "That is very gentlemanly of you."

"You're welcome. But why are you naked?" he asked again.

"It's an interesting story. I am not sure you'll believe all of it."

"Sure I will," he said, trying to sound convincing.

She related the story of being pulled into the hole by the hare and being lost in a strange underground land, meeting a smoking caterpillar, the Hatter's tea party, having her clothes stolen by nargles and the unicorn showing her the exit. She omitted the incident while swimming. She was not certain how much of it Neville really believed. Neither was Neville. But she finally ended her story saying "and that is how I lost my clothes."


End file.
